My name is Anna and this is where I tell my story. I hope that by writing this blog I will get to know myself a little bit better. I want this blog to be one of my best friends. A friend that I can trust, talk to, ventilate my thoughts with. A friend who can put my mind at ease.
I'm not very developed in the social department and hopefully this blog will help me learn how to be open and honest with myself and towards others.
I like animals, photography, meditation, jogging, sleeping, drinking tea, reading books, adrenaline.
I am a spiritual, honest, absentminded vegetarian living in my own world.
Thanks for reading
I am a girl, right? Yes.
Then why do I feel so stupid when I wear real girlish clothes? I mean.. I love lingerie but that’s .. not the same thing. For example, dresses or skirts. Don’t like it. Well, I have two dresses that I do like. But in general I don’t like it. And my wardrobe is filled with shirts and jeans and oversized t-shirts and hoodies. I only wear converse on my foots. I don’t like purses, I prefer backpacks.
I don’t know.. Sometimes I find something real girlish and find that I like it. And that’s an awkward feeling cause.. what will people think of me if I wear it since it’s not really my style? Hmmm I’m just confused.
I hate clothes. They make me nauseated.
I have so many pants I can’t even count them, but guess what I’m up to for tuesday? Buy a new pair of jeans! This is typical girlish, isn’t it? My pants can’t barely fit into my wardrobe and still… In my mind, I have almost no pants to wear.
Everything is upside down.
Today, I was on a sunday get-together at a family friends house and I was sitting next to a guy. I’ve known him since I was five and it’s not like we’re close but we get along well. I sat there next to him and I got this feeling you know.. he’s just been dumped and I tapped in on that feeling and suddenly.. it was like an epiphany. I’m not hurt anymore. I’m over him. I never really understood or thought about it but now that I realized it makes sense. I’m not heartbroken anymore. I’M OVER HIM.
That’s crazy. I don’t believe I ever thought I would be really.
I mean.. I still care about him, I still love him, I’m still very very grateful I met him and that he learned me so much. He really made me grow into an individual. I was nobody when he found me. I was frickin lost. Well.. I’m still kind of lost and all but I’m a little bit more non-lost anyway.
But I’m over him. I don’t think about him too much, I don’t particularly miss him, I don’t wish it was him and me again. That last part is the weirdest one. I don’t want him. Not because I’m tired of him or anything but just… I’m done. I don’t want nothing to do with him really. So weird.
I love the time we spent together, every second of it. But it’s not him and me anymore and I don’t wish for things to be different. I’m over him.
I’m not heartbroken anymore.
So I was out skateboarding last night and I really mean night.. It was between 0.30-2 am. With Fredrik and a friend of his. And this friend.. he made me feel funny. Not like love or butterflies or anything like that but more like.. uncomfortable and like.. I didn’t know how to feel.
He claimed he knew me better than I did. Bullshit. And he made this list of all the different characteristics I was supposed to have. I don’t remember them all but these are a few of them:
- I care deeply about my friends and do whatever I can to help them feel good, I care more about my friends wellbeing than my own
- I have been hurt and let down many times
- I easily trust my friends
.. and that’s really all I can remember because when he started blattering about these things that he knew about me that I didn’t know about myself.. I just started to laugh. They were so darn GENERAL. He could’ve been talking about anyone. When he was finally done I say he had about 25% right. Yes, I easily trust. That’s why I have troubles understanding irony. But that doesn’t count for my friends only. I have no friends in particular. I see everyone that I meet as a friend of mine but it’s not like I spend any time with them ever again. I’m not very socially skilled.
And no, I haven’t been hurt and let down many times. Sure I have felt pain but I haven’t been let down.
URGH. I don’t know why but this shit disturbes me big time. Perhaps it’s because this guy have met me once and he’s very quick to judge. It’s not up to him to decide who I am or not.
But I won’t blame him. I saw a longing for acknowledgement in him. He just want to be seen. And that’s okay. Many people struggle with that. I have once. I still do from time to time. It’s not only a bad thing. But when you do it like he did.. I don’t like it. He used me to prove himself. And he doesn’t know a shit about me.
When I admitted I was interested in girls, he was shocked. And in my mind I was thinking “well, reader-boy.. couldn’t read that off me now could you?”.
I’m trying to let this go. But I can’t really do so until I know why it disturbes me so much. Maybe it’s just the judging-thing. He was so quick on deciding who I am and I don’t think that’s a very good thing. Deciding for yourself how something is closes you up from seeing it change. Or if you learn that what you had decided wasn’t quite right .. you will probably have some trouble accepting that fact.
But that’s his problem now isn’t it?
Then why am I so worried? Why does the things he said make me feel sick? And why do I want him to know that he was wrong?
I’m thorn. And I don’t understand..
Just wanted to post that today is the day I change my habits. Or was, since it’s a new day already… I started drinking water appropriate to my weight and I also started thinking more thoroughly what I put into my body to fuel it. I avoid sugar and unhealthy food such as fast food and food with bad fat. You know, there’s good fat and there’s bad fat. But I make up the rules ;) Like.. whipped cream and strawberries = EXCELLENT FOOD. but vegoburgers with bread, salad and hamburger-dressing = NON-EXCELLENT FOOD.
Anywho… got to sleep
It’s raining outside. I’m in my room, no one is home, it’s dark and the rain is pouring down. I sit in front of the door, it’s closed but I hear the rain anyway. I pick up the guitar, I play on it for a while. It soothes me, calms me down. But it is soon to leave me. Just as everything else. I knew it. I knew it from the beginning. This isn’t my guitar, nothing is ever mine. Everything will always leave. But I’m not sad. Not even depressed. Because when one thing leaves, it also leaves the space for something or someone else to fill. Something new, someone new. That’s why it have to leave.
But don’t dare to be disappointed if this new thing doesn’t fulfill your expectations. That’s what makes it beautiful. It’s not perfect. It’s a little rough around the edges, it tastes different, a bit off.
Enjoy what is, while it is. Always. Be grateful.
Right now I feel fine. I’m home again, I’ve eaten great food two days in a row, and so on. But I am a little worried. One of my guinea pigs has lost two teeth (upper teeth) and since there isn’t more hay for them to eat (gonna buy new tomorrow) I’ve given them crushed crispbread. I’m afraid the crushed crispbread will be too rough for her to eat, that she will start to bleed in her mouth :( But they have molars as well so I hope it won’t be any problem. She seems willing enough to eat it.